Kids, I’m here to talk to you about something very important.
Over and over, I’ve seen books where deciding to become a zombie, or even a vampire, is used as a sort of metaphor for deciding to have sex for the first time. I think we need to clear a few things up.
First of all, if you have sex, you probably won’t die. You MIGHT, but you probably won’t. If you take all the necessary precautions, odds are you won’t even screw up your life. Again, you MIGHT, but you probably won’t.
And even if you DO, it’ll all be over soon. You won’t live more than seventy or eighty more years. Maybe ninety, if you’re lucky.
Become a vampire, and you’ll not only die for sure, you’ll be wrecking your life for a whole lot longer.
Now, becoming a zombie is one thing: you will definitely die in the process, but you probably won’t be living with your mistake for too long. I don’t think too many zombies last very long before falling apart or running afoul of a hillbilly with a machine gun (one thing I’ve learned is that some people are HIGHLY offended by books in which zombies are portrayed as anything more than an excuse to play with firearms).
But becoming a vampire is something else. Not only will you definitely die in the process, but you’re screwing up your life for a whole lot longer than you possibly could with sex. If you’re not smart enough to avoid vampire hunters, other vampires with a bone to pick, or whatever it is who kills vampires in your world, you might still die within decades, but otherwise, you could be living with your decision for MILLIONS of years. Billions, even. And if you’re the kind of vampire who just sparkles in the sunlight, rather than burning up and dying in it, what will happen a few billion years from now when the Earth is swallowed up by the sun? You’ll just be sparkling along through space, unable to feed, for millions and millions of years. It is going to SUCK.
Vampires and zombies are fun in books, but becoming one in real life isn’t just wrong – it’s dead wrong.
But if you MUST go with one or the other, go with a zombie. Your afterlife will be less drawn-out, and you don’t have to worry about what’ll happen if you’re making out and your significant other forgets about having super-human strength when he’s grabbing your butt.
For more information, log on to http://www.ikissedazombie.com for a free brochure and some videos featuring vampire and zombie book authors that you know and trust.
~Adam Selzer